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If you are in a relationship that is making you more miserable than it is happy, it’s an unhealthy relationship. If you know deep down that things are not right, but are nevertheless clinging on or allowing yourself to get drawn back in, it’s unhealthy. Here are some tips for letting go and getting on with your life.
Separate addiction from love
From a neurochemicals standpoint, addiction fees so much like love. But recognize that addictive love is hinged on getting that fix and that high, no matter what the emotional long term cost. Don’t forget the deep qualities make a relationship healthy and those are respect, trust, and commitment. Wild passion alone does not bode well for a long-term healthy union. Passion adds to things no doubt, but you must have a healthy foundation where both people want to be involved with one another. One is not enough, it takes two. One of the best ways to recognize addiction is if this person is giving you inconsistent levels of affection. First you hear from him, then you don’t. He goes to your house, but you are uninvited to his. He has lots of friends, none of whom you have ever met. These contradictions in reality define a relationship that has little chance of ever being healthy. Sky highs, and bad lows, should indicate to you that it’s not a relationship with much hope. If your union is a rocky ride, the chances of that established pattern changing are slim to none. This person already understands how they can treat you and will have little incentive to change.
Take a breather
The best way to get a perspective of a relationship, is to take a breather. If you are screaming, crying, pleading, ranting or canoodling around lousy treatment, you should get a big dose of distance. Let’s say your man is treating you like a hookup not a girlfriend. Sticking around and accepting that treatment while meanwhile growing resentment and getting snappy with him won’t help. Break vicious patterns of abuse like that. Instead say, I don’t know that this relation is heading in a way that I am comfortable with and then back way off. It’s amazing what some distance can bring you. You might be miserable for a month or more, feeling pathetic and needy. But if you support yourself and believe in yourself and get busy with other aspects of your life, it will help. You well get into a more comfortable emotional state and you will get clarity. Of course it is unwise to rip apart an attachment suddenly. But getting your own clarity is not going to hurt the relationship in the long run. In fact, it is going to bring you the comfort and self-respect that is missing. This is a time to step back and demonstrate your own will power. The will power to care about yourself first and foremost, and the will power to step back and away from unhealthy situations.
Trust your instincts
Cognitive dissonance is when you know something is wrong but you can’t really bring yourself to accept or believe it. If you can’t come to terms with the fact you are being treated poorly, you are going to be stuck in a never-ending abusive cycle. It’s like if your boyfriend steals money from your counter and you make a lot of excuses for yourself about why that happened. Oh, I should have offered to pay for this or that and he was acting out and needs support? No. He was stealing from you. Same idea goes or cheating, where you blame yourself for not being there enough in the relation. Another dissonance is that you get away from someone and then find out that you miss the person so much that you are willing to grovel back to an unhealthy situation. That which hurts you provides you affection. This is a bad pattern and one that you must let go of. This is why when you decide to get some distance you need to stick to your plan. Your mind can play tricks on you especially if you have been in a down spiral for a long time.
Either end it or work on it
I’ve met women who decide to get some distance from a long time boyfriend, and then what do you know he wanders off and gets married to someone else! It’s been known to happen. This is why you want to try with future relationships to keep them healthy and positive so that you don’t wind up dealing with the one that got away syndrome. Ending a relationship is a tough decision and it should only be done when it’s not working out. If you are being treated poorly and emotionally abused, it will not matter who this person goes off to be with, as they should not be with you. Don’t let your friends and family dictate when a relationship should end. You can get their input for sure because they offer a good perspective. However ultimately the decision to end a union is up to you. Don’ fall under external pressure. The decision comes easily when you are being treated poorly. I think women who are in unhealthy relationships are deep down well aware of the fact they are.
